Space Invaders

Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

It is a very unsettling thing to be handed a new fear at my age, I thought I could and had been able to deal with most things life had thrown my way but apparently not. Last Saturday night I was sadly handed the ultimate litmus test of terror when the unthinkable happened and someone tried to force their way into my home.

My guardian angel was watching me that night, sending me to bed far earlier than normal, I was so exhausted I was asleep before 9pm, most unusual for me but it meant that when I woke in the early hours for the bathroom I didn’t head back into a deep sleep. Instead I decided to go back to sleep listening to the dulcet Irish tones of my latest Liz Nugent Audiobook, aptly named ‘Lying In Wait’. Oh the irony…

I settled back down in my comfortable bed and for a second I thought I could hear footsteps nearby, but that didn’t make sense to my sleep befuddled brain and I stupidly ignored them instead focusing my concentration on the book. A few moments later another noise interrupted my listening enough for me to turn down the volume, but with the music from a party down the road floating up through the window I once again thought I was imagining things, turning back to my phone to unpause the book and continue with the story. It was then I heard a really strange noise which stopped me in my tracks, it definitely wasn’t my fridge, it was persistent and it sounded close, too close. Putting the phone down and with my heart racing I crept out of my bedroom my eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness, looking at the kitchen windows and the front door I couldn’t make out anything which could have made that noise, then I turned my head looking to my left where the double french windows leading out onto the small terrace were, and there, on the other side of the glass I saw a large dark outline crouching down. The inside blinds I usually scrolled down at bed time had been left up (my guardian angel really had been working overtime) allowing me to see the outside.

It took a millisecond for my brain to catch up with my eyes, just feet away from me wasn’t an animal, it was a man on the small external patio doing something to the door, to my door. He was trying to break in.

I have no idea where it came from but I knew I had to make my presence felt and from the very heart of me I opened my mouth and roared at him, I had a fleeting thought that a scream would catch in my throat through sheer terror so I shouted as loud as I possibly could: ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOO’ he stood up quickly as shocked to hear from me as I was to see him he turned and leapt over the railing of the terrace disappearing into the garden. Before the adrenaline took hold of me and the shaking started I ran into my room and grabbed a towel, covering myself I ran to the glass door and started hammering on it, shouting and making as much noise as possible. Unsure of how many were out there I then ran around whimpering with fear and slamming shut any windows, and triple locking the front door. Every single window was protected by a lockable metal grate, everything except for those damned french windows.

Picking up my phone, unsure of who to call but desperately wanting someone, anyone to be with me, I don’t think I have ever felt more alone. My fingers had stopped working and could barely scroll through the numbers, my hands seemingly seized up in fear had stiffened into swollen claws, eventually I found my next door neighbour’s contact and stabbed the screen until the call went through. She answered quickly and together with her teenage son raced round to find me white faced and shaking, shortly after her husband returned from his nightshift and walked around the perimeter of my garden with a torch checking everywhere, eventually finding the flattened grass from where the two men had jumped over the wall. We checked the doors on the terrace but couldn’t make out much in the dark and it seemed unlikely they would return.

I didn’t sleep much that night.

I know only too well about the effects of being in shock, how it stops you feeling, eating even crying. Your body has this clever inbuilt automatic defense against everything to do with reality, it cushioned the blow I felt on the Sunday after the police left, not the official police but the much villified ‘Carabinieri’ the Italian military police. Pleasant enough, they examined nothing, took no notes, barely looked at the glass door but took in the interior with admiring glances and complimented me on my home. When I expressed concern the ‘intruders’ might return they shook their heads and said it was unlikely unless I had made them angry with my shouting. Looking at the female Carabinieri in horror I asked why she would even say that to me, shrugging she simply said, you never know. This was to be merely one drop in an ocean of inappropriate comments and unbelievable reactions I was going to face.

Following Bumble and Plod’s departure amid empty reassurances they would drive past during their night duties if they had time, I then had a visit from a different neighbour with details of an excellent alarm company. Hugging me she then walked over to the patio to examine the area and swinging open the french windows immediately pointed out three perfect holes drilled in the door to gain access to the door handle. My shock seeing those holes had the adrenaline resurfacing as it dawned on me how close they had come to gaining access, combined with disbelief that the ‘police’ hadn’t noticed anything

That night I rolled the B52 propellor blade I have in my living room and placed it directly in front of the doors. It weighs a tonne and I figured if they came back to finish off what they had started the entire neighbourhood would be woken up. Tying a long piece of cord around the door handle I attached it to the sofa leg. McCauley Culkin has nothing on me. It took me till 3am before my body stopped responding to every tiny sound it heard and listening to a podcast was out of the question.

I was scared of the dark for the first time in my life.

The following morning I called the alarm company and they talked me through the installation process and pricing, it wasn’t negotiable it was necessary and the engineers were booked in for the following morning, I put the thought out of my head that I had to face another unprotected night. That afternoon I went to the (real) police as it had been pressed upon me to report the crime and make a statement, I was reluctant but did as I was told. I was buzzed in through the heavy metal gate and a short extremely jowly man in uniform approached me, ‘Can I help?’ Explaining I needed to report an attempted break in he looked at me, sighed, exhaled and said, ‘I can’t, I have to deal with a dead body’. Disconcerted by such an inappropriate piece of information volunteered to me by a supposed professional I knew better than to inject any form of sarcasm into my tone such as asking this total fuckwit if he was single handedly running the entire police department. Instead, remaining calm I asked if anyone else was available to assist me. Exasperated I hadn’t taken his hint that he was a very important person with an actual dead body to deal with he reluctantly asked for details, explaining about the attempted break in and the holes in the door, his response - ‘Well the police aren’t responsible for a damaged door’.

Unlike Saturday night when my loud and prolonged scream had sent a coward running off into the night, this time I chose silence and watched as the flappy cheeks hanging on either side of his face shook with self importance and incompetence, sensing my disgust he advised me to go back to the Carabinieri and make a full statement to them, absolving himself of any responsibility. Muttering a sarcastic apology for disturbing him I left him to his deceased priority.

On the way to the military police station I passed yet another neighbour, this one I have little to do with, he’s quite the nosy bonk but his house is located at the back of mine so I stopped him and explained what had happened. Horrified, taking in every detail he leaned into my car window and solemnly told me that 1. They may very well return, he knew of another house which had been broken into two nights in a row and 2. Imagine if they had managed to enter and found me asleep - he was sure they would have beaten the crap out of me.

At this point I would have liked to have driven off at speed with him still hanging out of my car window but they frown on that sort of behaviour here.

The Carabinieri had one other person waiting to be seen, she had already been there for an hour and a half. Worried about leaving my house empty for much longer and losing patience in general I asked how long it would be before I was seen, once again I was asked to explain what had happened, I did and was then told to return at 8pm. shaking my head I refused, ‘I won’t be leaving my house at that time, I’m afraid of the dark’, Looking at me sympathetically he nodded, ‘Yes, that’s understandable’.

I have a state of the art alarm system fitted now, a sophisticated deterrent including window sensors, a smoke gadget rendering any intruder unable to see if they did make it past the sirens, my own push-button-straight-to-police-thingy. I have ‘safe words’ I can use over the alarm intercom in case I am being held against my will and there are internal cameras which are activated when the night alarm is switched on and an external one positioned on that patio area. Sensory lights are located in dark spots around the garden and a special anti-theft handle is on order to replace the original one on the french windows, a small can of pepper spray sits next to my bed. Even Tom Cruise would have his work cut out here.

Things are different now, I feel jumpy, nervous and unsure, I don’t sleep particularly well and tiredness brings emotional and unexpected tears. I am sure that will eventually change.

I am made of strong stuff, less than 24 hours after it happened I had a scheduled podcast with Tamala Shaw on her show Co-Dependant Me. Noticing I was a bit wobbly she asked if I would like to delay the recording, I was tempted but decided to go ahead with it, not telling her till we had finished what had happened. It was incredible, I was focused, it distracted me and we recorded an incredible interview, one of my favourites. I will post the link on here when it is out.

Truly proving what doesn’t break you…