Take the photo...

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We tend to love a makeover; a geeky boy removes glasses, straightens up and stops wearing oversized fleeces. Next thing he's cooler and sexier than a Hollister shop assistant. Girl always left out of sports teams but first in line for a bunsen burner in Chemistry class takes off her braces, washes her hair in decent shampoo and using the superpowers of a belt and a few open buttons she looks like a candidate for America's Top Model.

As we age these things become less impressive than a new kitchen extension, or fresh looking bathroom tiles, all pointing towards a superior looking home. And if proof were needed that we become emotional over an upgrade in every shape and form check out the viewing figures for The Repair Shop, no, try watching a few episodes without shedding a tear. I bet you a new sofa you will be blubbering before the newly polished clock mechanism starts ticking a merry tune in front of the emotional owner.

The best part of any change is of course the actual transformation, the ‘before and after’ is often dragged out by film and tv productions with an interminable filler part, the machinations, hard work and effort of how the change is achieved which, let’s face it, is far less interesting than the actual ‘Ta Daaah’ moment. I wonder if that is why we give up on exercise classes and diets or why so many bottles of half used miracle creams and serums sit in our bathroom cupboards. Hoping for an instantaneous result it can be disheartening when we don’t morph into our idealised slimmer more youthful selves in record time, instead, losing patience we give up and move onto the next fad. Big changes happen over time, months even years and sometimes it takes someone else to point them out with an incredulous admiring glance or a curious ‘You look different’ comment. Then we know the effort is paying off. 

I had one of those confronting moments recently but a back to front one that could give Benjamin Button a run for his money. A compliment from a lovely guest about my now beautiful home led to me looking for several videos to show her, ones I had originally taken when I first saw the place three years ago and had big plans and dreams.  There is a line in my book ‘Hello Flower’ describing what I thought when I first saw the property

‘The garden was a huge overgrown jungle, and the untouched inside was crying out for an overhaul. It was solid and structurally sound but in desperate need of love and attention’.

I could have been describing myself.

Watching in astonished silence at the pieces of footage unable to recognise the person standing in front of her with the one she saw on the video my lovely guest insisted we take a new one the following day. We need a video of what the place looks like now, she told me. It would be closing the circle and acknowledging what I had done and how far I had come. 

I wanted to put her off, as we tend to do when someone spontaneously suggests taking a photo, capturing a moment and a chorus of of 'Please not today...my hair' or 'I look awful' yet another thought nagged at me - we will never be as young as we are in that moment, so take the photo, the selfie or the video and smile your heart out. 

I agreed to the video despite not being entirely comfortable about being filmed but I did like the idea of seeing the change in the house. What shocked me to my core was the change in me.

Living with a narcissist takes its toll, if you have been in such a relationship you will know exactly what I am talking about, a real life Dementor they feed off your energy, your endless willing and effort until you become a dehydrated brittle version of yourself. I watched the before and after video and cried at the reverse metamorphosis, it was as if someone had switched the light back on within me. I will never be who I was before him, but I am re-emerging as someone I recognise once again and the light and future are both beautifully bright.

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