The Best Present...

...is the unexpected.

Photo by Aleksandrs Zeltisevs on Unsplash

New Year’s Eve is a weird mixed bag of excitement and dread.

A part of me wants to relive the time when the dress and shoes were more important than the temperature outside. Back then the last day of the year was more anticipated than Christmas itself, an event to be celebrated in full at a party with friends and strangers and maybe just maybe a whisper of romance, a night where the excitement built up to a raucous striking of the clock at midnight and then continued happily dancing its way into the very early hours. The late night and hangover justified by welcoming in a brand new year full of opportunities and possibilities, eschewing the reality of a long, looming and dull couple of months ahead. The older and more mature (tired) part of me now prefers something interesting on tv, a decent glass or three of red, followed by sleep overtaking the distant sound of fireworks. The general feeling that a dull evening and waking up feeling refreshed will somehow top a raucous night out.

Cards on the table... I want to be involved, to do something special, be included in an event the whole world seems to be going out for. Listening to the radio and hearing requests from those heading out to house parties, bars and gatherings all over the country creates an unexpected wave of FOMO which I try to brush aside, reasoning that expectations never quite live up to the reality and anyway who wants a single woman at their party of coupled established friends upsetting the dynamics.? So when the unexpected invitation came in a casual message to see in the new year at the local village pub I felt delighted but also hesitant, it’s one thing to think you are up for a good time but actually doing it?

It had been so long since I had been out in the evening a thin line of anxiety set in, sure that my preference was for an early night I dug my heels in with caveats about going earlier and leaving earlyish mainly because I wasn’t sure if I would fit in. I didn’t know anyone and hadn’t been in a social situation for so long I wasn’t sure how to do it. More pertinently...could I really be arsed?

Chatting to my wonderful friend who knows and shares my dislike of small talk and the overwhelming pressure of NYE, I was convinced of her support, she’d definitely back me up and wholeheartedly endorse a quiet night in. Yep, she’d understand my need to hide away.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, just go” she said, “You have been invited out and you might have the time of your life, get (warmly) dressed up, slap on some sparkly make up and fucking go”.

So I did.

The revelation of the night of the 31st wasn’t me knocking back shots, dancing on tables or even creating a conga line around the village at midnight. It was something altogether quieter and very welcome.

Arriving at the relatively quiet pub we were invited to join a table where my friend knew someone sat there and before long we were all exchanging views on everything from how to make perfect poached eggs, the relative benefits of Shee Wees to the idea of upping sticks and relocating to an entirely new area. Added into the mix was a pub quiz and a shared pub buffet and although it wasn’t exactly ‘kicking’ it was definitely easy, everyone, from those at our table to the young ones behind the bar were all exceptionally friendly. I happily talked to the bloke sitting next to me, he was much younger than me but the conversation flowed and I certainly wasn’t looking for a connection, last thing on my mind, I was there for the Guinness and to be open minded.

We covered plenty of topics, sharing home truths about our personal situations past and present while simultaneously poring over the pub quiz and pooling our individual knowledge to come up with answers while also admitting weaknesses in certain areas; sport and geography. I was really enjoying myself and it truly took me by surprise. He was engaging and good company, at one point I even exclaimed how much fun I was having, explaining how I had missed ‘normal’ conversations and banter in my own language. I also told him how reluctant I had been initially to come out and was very pleased I’d made the effort. He didn’t cut me off while I was talking or look over my shoulder for more interesting prospects, there was no snippiness, no takedown negging or picking, he didn’t try to undermine me under the umbrella of ‘humour’ or loudly talk over me, he simply listened and talked, and so did I.

Was I flirting? I honestly don’t think so, was he flirting? I doubt it. He simply made me feel comfortable and at ease, was that attraction or was he simply a genuine bloke with decent conversation? I decided he was very polite and authentic and despite the pints adding their own brand of boozy denial each time I popped to the loo and noticed my happy expression in the mirror I gently reminded myself of the considerable age difference. He was good looking I suppose, not necessarily my type but we know where that has led me so I am not the best judge really.

No, there was no inappropriate snog when the clock struck, instead at that point everyone trooped outside and linked arms for a particularly awkward but not terrible rendition of Auld Lang Syne. I remember hugging loads of people, new friends and strangers, then we all finished our pints and our chats and headed home. The perfect end to a very pleasant evening.

The next day, while listening to a podcast with Philippa Perry (psychotherapist, author and married to the artist Grayson Perry) being interviewed by Rylan on his show How to Be in Love - well worth a listen - it struck me why I was in such a bubble of easy happiness despite my Guinness hangover, it was quite the lightbulb moment and I almost shouted out in recognition, as she was asked to define what she felt was different about herself now and her younger self. She talks about self awareness but it is this part which really resonated:

“When you are really present with someone and they are with you, you affect each other and you both grow.....Those times when you get into a really good dialogue and you influence me and I influence you. There’s an element of love in that”.

I had spent a lot of time the previous evening with someone who had been totally present with me, in our chats, through listening, laughing and sharing stuff. It was the type of attention we receive from our closest friends which is why we love spending time with them, it hit the mark for me because for the first time in a long time it made me feel seen by someone I had only just met and I was able to be comfortably and confidently myself. I didn’t leave that evening worried I’d said the wrong thing or been ‘too much’, I left happy.

The best inadvertent present ever and I owe him a pint should I ever meet him again.

That seemingly unremarkable evening demonstrated something astonishing to me, I am back, definitely different, certainly older and more self aware than I’ve been in years, but most of all I am really looking forward to the future.

Happy New Year x